Not So Deep Thoughts: Ups and Downs

I ran for the first time in over two months last night. It was completely unplanned. I spent the day in the kitchen mostly, making homemade pasta and cleaning up the mess that made. But after a frustrating few weeks of very little working out, I came to the quick conclusion that I would simply try a run. Not the smartest of ideas, I knew, not only because I had just finished a heavy pasta dish, but also because I knew that I would likely feel the run in my lower back that night and the next day. But I just didn’t care. I needed to run – period. These past few months without running have really just been brutal. And while I know that my body is not ready to run, I just had to try. So I did. And it was the best awful run I’ve had in a long time.

The run itself was short, just 12 minutes and 45 seconds. I didn’t want to overdo it because I have a Rolfing session Tuesday, and I’m not supposed to go to those with sore muscles. I didn’t feel great (dinner and a glass of wine were sloshing around in my tummy), but I didn’t feel too poorly either. Some good tunes came in through my radio walkman, and the sky was a gorgeous sunset pink set behind puffy white cumulous clouds. At one point, I even got a little emotional, choking back a few tears, just so happy to be moving my body and making it work hard. God, I’ve missed this feeling! It feels like I’m shouting to the world: “I am strong! Look what I can do!”

Of course, that happiness quickly gave way to sadness, knowing that this run would be short, the time before another one long, and the pain as a result frustrating. I couldn’t help but think where I was a year ago, training for the half marathon. At this point, I was running 8-10 miles at a time, feeling pretty darn good for still being a nursing mom of a not even six month old. Eleven months ago I ran 13.1 miles in under 2 hours. Tonight, I likely only ran a mile in over 12 minutes. Now, when I should have lost all of that baby weight and then some, I’m the mother of an almost eighteen month old and with more “jiggle around my middle” than I’m comfortable with. And I can’t sit on a couch, or in the car, or on my desk chair for longer than five minutes without some pretty intense tailbone pain. And I can’t walk around barefoot, or even with shoes, without feeling the pain from plantar fasciitis. I hit thirty and shortly after my body gave me a big F-you.

The bottom line: I’m beyond frustrated with my low back/tailbone issues. I feel completely betrayed by my body, and, for the first time in my life, I’m feeling pretty ashamed of the way I look naked.

Don’t worry – I’m not going to get all anorexia nervosa on you all (I really respect and love food too much), and I know that I have a pretty healthy weight and lifestyle. I just am just really missing the tone and firmness of years past. And while I know that having kids changes your body, usually for the worst, I also know that with a little (okay, a lot of) hard work, there’s no reason why I can’t firm up a bit. (You should see the buff moms I see at the pool!) But not being able to run (my staple cardio) has made staying in shape difficult. That, combined with the busy life of being a wife and mother and putting others before myself, all adds up to more flab, less confidence, and a little bit of mild depression about it all. (See above.)

Fortunately, I am a pretty positive person. So, what am I doing about all of this? Well, after taking July off from Rolfing in order to do some extensive traveling (Wautoma, WI), I start up again Tuesday and have weekly appointments for the next 7 weeks. I haven’t seen too many results from the first three sessions, but I didn’t expect to. It’s a lengthy process, not a quick fix, and I still have faith that it will help. The first few sessions were definitely interesting, but I did come out of it feeling lighter and with better posture. I’m looking forward to going again and this time with some regularity. Hopefully, I’ll start noticing big changes soon. In addition to the Rolfing, I’ve had two one-on- one sessions at a fancy (read: expensive) Pilates studio in town. My instructor’s age (and weight) was probably 70, yet I’m quite sure she could kick my ass if need be. I have one more session with her and then I’ll likely continue on my own or take some classes at the studio. This combination of Structural Integration (Rolfing) and core work was “prescribed” by my orthopedic.

If it doesn’t work, who knows? Acupuncture? Abdominal replacement? Spinal transplant? Seeking out the Dalai Lama? I’m open to suggestions. But let’s just hope I won’t need any more treatment in a few months. And that by then running will be more than a quarterly event for me. Because it needs to be. I’ve always known that running is not great for your body. But I was the girl who chose to run the mile a second time in elementary school so that I could improve my time. I was the girl who was “scouted” by high school cross country coaches when I was in junior high, and who peaked as a freshman in track (oops) but kept on chugging. I was the girl who ran all over my gorgeous hilly college campus, listening to the same running mix over and over. And I am the woman who signed up for a half marathon at 7 months pregnant. I’ve been running for over half my life, and I can only consider this break from it a bump in the road, a hill I’ve got to get to the top of, the sooner the better.

And now, for yet another picture dump. Two trips to the lake, outtings around town, and life, in general.