Single Parenthood

I learned one very important lesson over this past weekend: I was not at all cut out to be a single parent. Will left for SD Wednesday evening and did not return until Sunday. When he told me he was going to go to help his father with moving his grandma (all 103 years of her!) from her assisted living facility to a nursing home, I knew it would be just fine. I was mostly nervous about the nights, since I tend to be a bit of a baby about being home "alone." And, because I know I'm terribly spoiled to have a husband around early in the evening, I made plans that would help me get through the long days.

By Friday, I was actually feeling a bit foolish because I felt like I hadn't really even proved that I could do things all my own. Friends were calling to check in, and I was embarrassed to admit that I'd really only been alone after the kids went to bed. Well, just when I started feeling like I was a baby, everything hit the fan. Friday evening, Ethan started complaining that he did not feel well; shortly after, I discovered that he had a fever. Within the hour, he threw up. Thankfully, this all happened when my sister-in-law was here. Eleanor was in the bath, and Ethan came in looking pretty miserable. Mother's intuition told me he was about to lose his cookies, so I quickly had her switch with me and keep an eye on Eleanor. Seconds later, he threw up, thankfully in the bathroom. I've written before about how anxious I get when my children vomit. Well, multiply that by about a hundred when you know your husband will not be around that night...or for 2 more full days! The night was a disaster, with Ethan up for most of it. I maybe slept 2 hours, intermittently.

Needless to say, that next day was among the longest of my life. It would not have been bad had I not constantly been thinking, if the night is bad again, I'm still on my own. I tried to keep things positive, but Eleanor had started coughing, and both kids were incredibly clingy and cranky. The only saving grace was that I had no qualms about watching cartoons pretty much all day. Fortunately, Saturday night was better, and I woke up Sunday feeling okay because I knew that Will would be home later that day.

That morning, though, when he called from the lake (3.5 hours away), I broke down crying. I knew I was fine, the kids were fine, and that it was not a bit deal, but I was just so overtired and completely spent. Not only was I being demanded physically by my kids ALL day (I'm used to this - my kids have always clung to me), but all the emotional drain was on me as well. I had no one to balance it out with, and that was getting to me.

With Will home, my days and our nights have still been rough (last night was particularly harrowing, with two kids coughing themselves awake), but I've felt ten times better just knowing he's around to offer a little support. Ethan seems to finally be fever free, and the doctor confirmed yesterday that it's not an ear infection. Eleanor seems to be at the worst of it now, with a very runny nose and lots of coughing, but she has remained fever free, so that's good.

The whole experience has me thinking so much about single parents and the strain that is on them at all times. Maybe I am just weak, or lazy, or inept, but I cannot imagine living that way all the time. I thought a lot about the man who lives near us whose wife was hit by a car over a year ago, leaving him to parent a 4 year old and 4 month old. It breaks my heart to think of this man who not only has to deal with the pain of losing his wife but also have to move on while learning to parent completely solo. He has a large support system, but he's still on his own every night, waking when his kids wake, tending their needs all on his own. It makes me feel incredibly fortunate and also like a big baby about my anxiety of my few days on my own. At the very least, I know now that I can do hard (and I use the word hard lightly) things - and survive.